Principles of defusing hostility

Customer service expert Robert Bacal says "If you lose control, you lose, period! When we lose our cool and defend ourselves or become aggressive we actually end up doing what the other nasty person wants us to do...and we lose because we enter into an ugly game where nobody can win. Self-control is critical..." Tips for maintaining control include the following:

• When dealing with someone who is attempting to provoke a confrontation, make a conscious attempt to slow down your responses. Do NOT reply immediately since your first gut level response is likely to be an angry or defensive response. Before you respond, ask yourself the questions: "How can I deal with this situation so I create LESS anger and upset on both sides?". Then respond.
• Pay special attention to the speed and loudness of your speech. When people get excited they tend to talk more quickly and loudly and that causes the other person to escalate also...as the conversation increases in speed there is less and less thought and more chance that people will say things that are destructive. Take your time.
• If you are really triggered, ("pi*sed off") at what is being said to you, it is a good idea to take a time-out. A time-out is not avoidance--it differs in terms of what one says. For example, if you say: "I'm not talking about this with you" that is an avoidance response and a brush-off and likely to make the situation worse. If you say: "It isn't a good time for me to talk about this, but I would like to discuss it with you tomorrow. Can we set up a time to meet?" that's different because it is expressing a commitment to work with the person and does so without characterizing the conversation as negative.

What you focus on you get more of

There is a general principle in life that the things you focus on you get more of. Practically speaking, that means that when someone used confrontation-provoking behavior you have a choice as to whether you talk about the "junk" or "bait" or whether you talk about something constructive. If you focus on side-issues, personal attacks, negativity, past-centered comments, etc., THAT is what the conversation will be about. If you turn the conversation to something constructive, and do not focus on the confrontation-focusing comments, you don't allow the attacking person a forum to continue the attacks.

Don't take the bait

The term verbal bait refers to the many confrontation provoking behaviors that have a single purpose; to control and manipulate you into responding in emotional ways. When you take the bait, the "fisherperson" basically reels you in, since you have given up control of the conversation. Worse, you have given up control of the conversation to someone who probably doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Let the bait go by. In most cases the bait has little or nothing to do with whatever is being discussed but is a conversational control ploy. As such it is best ignored. One tactic is to acknowledge the other person's feelings, then refocus or move on to the issue you need to deal with.

(You can find books on this subject from Mr. Bacal here.)