How to give feedback tactfully

In Working best: Give feedback without making foes Bill Repp says "No business situation is worth ruining a working relationship." He recommends starting your feedback comments with "I" instead of "you." ("I'd like to ask that you..." instead of "You shouldn't...")

He recommends giving feedback in three steps:

1. Clarify whether you and the other person had the same performance expectations: "John, my understanding of what the project required was ABC ... Was that your understanding too?"

2. Next, compare performance with expectations, sharing your impressions of the work and asking for feedback. "We had agreed that the report would project sales for all the regions, and the projection isn't there."

3. Suggest a different way to do the task so that the expectations will be met, based on any lessons learned. "What would you think about going to the district managers directly, instead of asking sales administration to give you the data?"

Here are some specific techniques from Coaching and Counseling by Marianne Minor (Crisp Publications):

Make your feedback specific, and related to the behavior.
Good: "Bob, you've been 15 minutes late for the last three mornings. Would you please explain why?"
Bad: "Bob, you have a poor attitude towards your job."

Focus only on behavior the receiver can do something about.
Good: "Bill, we'd appreciate your keeping the team informed about the status of the project."
Bad: "Bill, why are you so introverted that you avoid other people?"

Solicit feedback rather than impose it.
Good: "Linda, did you say you'd like to learn how to handle your most difficult customers more effectively? I can share some things that have worked for me..."
Bad: "Linda, I saw the way you handled Mr. Dawson during the crisis. You really turned him off."

Avoid labels and judgments by describing rather than evaluating behavior.
Good: "Steve, I've given you five chances to attend training programs in the last year and you haven't enrolled yet. Is there a problem?"
Bad: "Steve, apparently you don't care about improving your skills -- or your career here."